


These Feelings

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Confused Marlene, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Sad Marlene, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 11:18:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20759504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: Marlene McKinnon finds herself feeling quite conflicted over her newly found feelings toward her best friend, Dorcas Meadows and doesn't know how to make these feelings go away or how to express them. Despite trying to hide them away, Marlene knows that the truth must come out sooner or later.





	1. These Feelings Will Pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene is confused about her feelings.  
(chapter warnings: internalized homophobia)

Marlene was confused. The type of confused that kept you up and night and drove you mad as your mind played through all the possibilities of what could be wrong. She knew what was wrong, though. Or at least had an inkling. But it didn’t make any sense—hence the staying up at night. 

Teenage hormones were a bitch and Marlene was feeling rather...conflicted with her emotions. She wasn’t admiring any of the boys with her friends as they watched Quidditch practice from afar. She wasn’t going out of her way to flirt in class or set up a study session with any of the guys that had offered. She just wasn’t...interested. 

It was much more enjoyable for her to hangout with Lily, Alice and Dorcas. Thinking of Dorcas brought a smile to her face. She was best friends with all the girls but Dorcas was always her favorite to be around. She was so genuine and witty that Marlene would find herself either laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe because of something the other girl said or they’d have deep conversations in the middle of the night about things you normally wouldn’t talk about. She never got sick of Dorcas’s company and was willing to drop everything to be around her. 

Dorcas was her best friend. But, that didn’t make sense of the fact that her heart sank when she saw her friend kissing Cord Harrison behind the Quidditch pitch. She should have been happy for her friend, just like how she was happy when Lily and James finally got their act together. Or the first time Alice told the girls about Frank. She should have been happy for Dorcas. 

So why wasn’t she? 

There was a feeling in Marlene’s stomach that made her greatly uncomfortable, especially if she dwelled on it for too long. Did she...did she  _ like _ Dorcas? 

No. No, she didn’t. She was just confused. She was confusing her friendship with Dorcas as some romantic feelings and it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t appropriate. It was something that people spoke poorly about, something that was  _ wrong _ . It wasn’t Marlene...

Was it? 

She would cry herself to sleep every night, trying to understand her messed up feelings and urging herself to just be normal or suppress whatever it was she was feeling. The right boy would come along for her just like how they came along for her friends. She would be normal. She wouldn’t be obsessing over what Dorcas and Cord were up to because it wouldn’t matter. It didn’t matter because she wasn’t like that. 

Was she? 

It was getting ridiculous, really. Crying herself to sleep every night over nothing. It was so frustrating, too. Marlene McKinnon wasn’t like this. She was confident and fierce, and she was a Gryffindor for Merlin’s sake! She was supposed to be brave. 

She didn’t feel brave. 

These feelings were nothing. They were  _ nothing _ . It was just...new. Not having Dorcas around all the time was just new, that’s all it was. This would pass. Marlene would find a boy of her own and these feelings would be nothing. 

Wouldn’t they? 


	2. These Feelings Will Set You Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene confides in Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter warnings: implied violence, homophobia)

It had been a few weeks and Marlene still hadn’t been able to shake away her feelings for Dorcas. She was, however, at the point where she couldn’t ignore the fact that these feelings were something more than friendship. 

It scared her to be thinking such a way about one of her best friends. She almost felt...dirty about it. Dorcas was straight, she shouldn’t be having these kinds of thoughts about her straight best friend. 

She had made up an excuse to not study in the library with her friends, feeling too nervous to even be around Dorcas in fear that she would say something she might regret later. That’s how she found herself sitting in the Gryffindor common room alone, staring at the fire with her knees pulled up to her chest, thinking about what a mess she had become. 

The sound of someone stumbling through the portrait hole pulled her from her thoughts and she turned around to see Sirius Black sporting a busted lip and the beginnings of a black eye. 

“My hell, Sirius, what happened to you?” She said, taking in the way he was holding his arm around his ribs. Sirius glanced over to her, as if just realizing she was there and flashed a smile toward her that looked more like a grimace. 

“Hey McKinnon.” He limped over to the couch and plopped down unceremoniously. “Had a run in with the Slytherins.”

“And they did this to you?” Marlene asked. 

“Yeah...had to show the queer kid a lesson, right?” Sirius attempted a laugh but Marlene felt her blood turn cold. It was this type of violent behavior that Marlene feared. That made her push her feelings aside. 

She looked at Sirius curiously, wondering why he was able to be himself so easily, despite the consequences of being brutally attacked and ridiculed for his sexuality. Marlene admired Sirius, if not for unapologetically being himself, then for the amount of bravery he had to do it in front of the whole world. It made her realize that, of all the people in the world, Sirius just might be the one person she could talk to about her...dilemma. 

“Sirius,” she began, her nerves making her veins feel on fire, “can I ask you something?” 

Sirius looked at her warily before nodding. “Of course, Marls.” 

“How...how are able to...be yourself?” She wrung her hands tightly in her lap, feeling her cheeks heat up at the question. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, how do you...you’re gay. And people  _ know _ that you’re gay and this kind of shite happens to you. And I want to know how you do it or  _ why _ you do it. Wouldn’t it be easier to just pretend you’re not? What makes this,” she waved her hand toward the bruises on his face, “worth it?” 

Sirius contemplated this a moment, taking his time to respond before a wispy smile appeared on his face. “Remus. He makes it worth it. Being able to be with him, openly, is worth it.”

Marlene nodded slowly. Sirius and Remus did seem happy, despite all the horrible comments that got thrown their way by close minded people. And maybe...maybe Marlene could be happy like that, too. Maybe if Dorcas shared her feelings, she would be able to... _ come out _ . 

“What if...what if you didn’t have Remus, though?” She questioned softly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Would you still...be openly gay? Would this, the beatings and the ridicules, would it still be worth all of that without him?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Because at least I’m being honest with myself. I hid myself away for a very long time, telling myself that what I felt was bad. But it wasn’t true. It’s just what I was told my whole life.” Sirius turned and looked Marlene in the eye, a fiery passion burning in them. “Those people are wrong though. Those people who hate others because of who they love...they’re just wrong.” 

Marlene bit the inside of her cheek, her emotions welling up inside of her and she desperately tried to hold back her tears. It didn’t work, though, and pretty soon she was breaking down in Sirius’ arms. But she was happy, relieved even, because she wasn’t a freak for liking girls. She wasn’t any less of a good person because of it. In fact, she was better because of it. She was more herself. 

“Sirius,” she whispered, her head resting on his shoulder as he held her. 

“Yeah, Marls?” 

“I...I’m gay.” 

She felt Sirius smile as he wrapped his arms more tightly around her, pressing his lips to the side of her head before whispering back. 

“I’m so proud of you, McKinnon. Thank you for telling me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! comments and kudos are always appreciated!   
follow me on tumblr @xomarauders


	3. These Feelings Will Make You Whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene becomes whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the finale!

Coming out to Sirius had been the first of many steps for Marlene to fully accept herself and her sexuality. Lily and Alice were the next ones she told and the two girls wrapped her in the tightest hug possible whilst showering her words like “I love you” and “I’m so proud of you!” After being accepted by her two friends, Marlene began telling everyone around them such as James, Remus, Frank and Peter. The only person she had yet to tell was Dorcas. 

It’s not that she believed Dorcas would treat her any differently or stop being her friend. It was the fact that Marlene’s feelings for Dorcas is what finally made her realize who she was and she was scared she might admit that and scare her friend off. 

Marlene was on her way to class, trying to figure out the perfect time to tell Dorcas when she heard soft crying coming from a hidden passage way in the corridor. She paused, debating on leaving the person alone and letting them cry in peace or offering comfort. She chose the latter and quietly peeked her head into the hideout. To Marlene’s surprise, the person sitting on the floor was not a stranger but was, in fact, the person she had been avoiding. 

“Dorcas?” 

Dorcas looked up and Marlene noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks, feeling a pang in her heart at the sight. All she wanted to do in that moment was pull Dorcas into her arms and hold her. 

“Oh, hey Marlene.” Dorcas said, her voice a bit wobbly from crying. Marlene frowned and promptly sat down next to her friend. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Cord...Cord and I broke up.” 

It was terrible, but Marlene felt a sudden rush of happiness. She didn’t have to witness her crush kissing someone else now. She didn’t have to get her heart broken each time she saw Dorcas and Cord holding hands, or whispering things into one another’s ear. 

But as quickly as that feeling of relief went through her, it went away just as quick when she looked at the tears on her friends face. Marlene thought that seeing Dorcas happy with someone else was the worst pain she could feel, but she was wrong. Seeing the person she admired so much be so heartbroken was much worse. 

“It’s dumb that I’m crying,” Dorcas said, “I...I didn’t even like him that much I just...”

“Why did you break up?” Marlene questioned, thinking about how crazy you would have to be to let someone like Dorcas get away. 

The question hung in the air and for a moment Marlene thought she had said the wrong thing and that she had somehow made the situation worse. Just as she was about to spill the apology that was sitting on the tip of her tongue, Dorcas spoke. 

“Because of you.” 

Marlene felt her face heat up. It was her fault. Somehow, Cord had found out that Marlene was gay and somehow knew that she liked Dorcas, which probably freaked him out and made him end things. And now Dorcas knew, too. Marlene’s stupid unrequited feelings had made her best friends relationship end and now it was going to end their friendship. Dorcas was surely going to hate her now. There was no way she could come back from this. 

“Dorcas, I’m sorry. I...I don’t know how he found out about my feelings for you, I haven’t...I haven’t told many people. But I can talk to him. If you want. Tell him that it’s just me and these feelings will go away, that you don’t feel that way about me and—“ 

Marlene’s rambling was cut off abruptly as Dorcas lurched forward and pressed their lips together. With wide eyes, Marlene stared at Dorcas—who was still kissing her—and tried to understand what was happening. Dorcas pulled away and despite the tear stains that lined her cheeks, she was smiling. 

“You idiot. We broke up because _I_ like _you_. I wasn’t sure you felt the same way, but, now...” 

Marlene sat there frozen, staring at Dorcas as her mind exploded with fireworks. Dorcas liked her. She liked her like _that_. A smile broke out onto her face and this time it was Marlene who closed the space between them, offering a softer kiss between them as their eyes fluttered shut. It felt amazing, like they had kissed hundreds of times before and Marlene was on cloud nine. 

As they pulled away, Marlene reached down to pinch her harm, causing a small laugh to escape Dorcas. 

“Why’d you do that?” 

“To see if I was dreaming.” Marlene replied breathlessly. Dorcas brought a hand up to Marlene’s face and leaned in once more, whispering into the space between them. 

“I promise, you’re not dreaming.” 

As their lips touched once more, Marlene and Dorcas found themselves becoming completely whole in one another’s embrace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read and enjoyed this fic. it was really fun for me to write and it is the first multi-chapter fic I've ever written (with much more to come). this story was very personal for me and I hope that the message of it comes across. for anyone feeling confused or ashamed about their feelings, just know that your feelings are valid. you are beautiful and wonderful and you should be able to be yourself. as Sirius said in this fic "people who hate others becasue of who they love are just wrong." remember that and remember to love yourself as well   
love you all   
\- kat   
follow me on tumblr @xomarauders

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! comments and kudos are always appreciated  
follow me on tumblr @xomarauders


End file.
